Interpersonal relationships are complicated, and as a therapist I often see individuals struggling from a break-up and questioning “what happened?” and “how will I move on?”

It is rare when a relationship ends on good terms and both individuals involved are able to ask questions and receive the answers they need in order to move on. Closure does not usually happen with the help of an ex; it has to be self-discovered.

The individual who did not end the relationship is left with numerous questions and tends to dwell on the past. Many people who have broken up continue their own pain by refusing to let it go, re-analyzing the entire relationship, insisting on having the final word, keeping tabs on their ex and torturing themselves with the “why?”

No one will ever have all the answers, and the best way to find closure is using the information that is known. More often than not, you know enough about the person you were with and your relationship to step back and examine the explanations of why the relationship ended. It is vital to choose the explanation that allows you to find a sense of peace and let go of the resentments.

It is important to reflect and look at the faulty dynamics of the relationship. In most cases, both parties played a role in the healthy aspects of the relationship, so placing the blame on one party can prohibit closure.

Being aware that there is someone better for you will allow you to begin to forgive and heal. When you are able to think about your ex, hear their name and no longer feel a sense of anguish, you will know you are making progress.  Remembering the good times and being thankful for the experience and lessons learned rather than obsessing over the negative will help you grow as an individual. Everyone is entitled to go through the grieving stages when a relationship ends. However, finding the positive and becoming a more complete person because of the experience will allow the next relationship to be that much better.

A common, but a very crucial, mistake that people make is immediately getting involved in another relationship. Individuals often enter into a “rebound” relationship as a reaction to being rejected. Reacting so quickly lacks thought and prohibits healing through the grieving process. The issues in the past relationship tend to carry over into the new one. Judgment is misguided and emotions are clouded. The result is the new person in your life feels the wrath carried over from your previous relationship.

It is important to stay single for a time after a break-up, rediscover who you really are and seek the emotional freedom necessary for you to move out of your comfort zone.